


The most important one

by happybluebirde



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11.21, 11.21 coda, Awesome Dean, M/M, Sad Sam, Samulet, Suicidal Thoughts, angst with happy ending, big brodean, coda fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 23:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6830593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happybluebirde/pseuds/happybluebirde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda fic to 11.21. I was upset how writers neglected Sam's trauma. This is Sam being slightly suicidal after helping Lucifer and feeling worthless...<br/>Then Dean decided to show up and make everything better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The most important one

Sam didn’t remember much of return journey with Lucifer. He could feel the devils eyes on him, the entire way home. He could still feel the phantom weight of devil in Castiel’s body. He felt strangely empty and cold. Once they reached the bunker, Sam was relieved to see Dean. When Dean went to see Chuck along with the others, Sam retreated to his room. His vision was getting clouded with memories of years from the cage. He could feel devil ripping apart his soul in Castiel’s body. Bile churned in his gut and he ran to the toilet. He retched into the toilet and suddenly his was blinded by a vision of devil making him drink his own vomit and blood. He closed his eyes and slumped against the toilet.

 All these years, he had prayed and begged to God, for forgiveness, for mercy. He had prayed for God to cleanse him from all the evil inside him. He had wanted God’s grace to purify the curse he carried around. Sam felt his mouth twist into some sort of smile. He didn’t blame Chuck for hating him. He was just a despicable human being  who doesn’t deserve mercy. He was nothing but a failure and a curse. Ever since the day he was born, he has brought nothing but misery and sorrow to all the people who were kind to him. He was the sort of vilest monster that did not deserve forgiveness or mercy. All these years, what kept him going was the belief that he had paid the price for his sins in cage. But, he was wrong. Now, Lucifer was out, in Castiel’s body and it was his fault. He had doomed yet another friend with his curse. A lone tear slipped from his eyes without his permission.

Sam stood up on shaky legs, stripped himself and stepped into the shower.He turned up the temperature to maximum value and let the scalding water fall. He wanted to feel pain, to make him forget everything, because the physical pain was better than any reminder of his long list of failures. He had hoped that his time in cage would be his atonement, but it was useless. That entire jump into cage was a useless hopeless folly.

Why hadn’t dean let him die at cold oak? Why did Cas try to pull him out of the cage? If he had died the world would have been a much better place. He could imagine how happy Dean and his parents would have been if he had never been born. He had sucked the happiness and joy of out of their lives and destroyed all of them. Tears continued to fall down without a pause. He wanted to scream and cry. He didn’t want to be someone who just made everyone miserable.

 Dean was a good man, a hero. He didn’t deserve someone like Sam, someone who was always just a burden. All he ever did was let Dean down, over and over again. Suddenly an idea struck him. Sam remembered what Billie had about the void. Maybe, after they deal with Amara, he could ask Chuck to kill him and erase Dean’s memories of him. Otherwise Dean he would move heaven and hell trying to get him back. If Dean doesn’t remember him, Dean would be free of his burden, and the world would be safe with no Sam Winchester to destroy it. Sam smiled. That was a good plan.

Dean was sitting with Chuck , Lucifer and others. He kept glaring at the devil periodically. He was so not happy about having the devil so near Sam. It was also difficult to look at devil in Castiel’s vessel. He wondered what Sam was doing. He had rushed into the bathroom and locked the door before Dean could get a good look at him. Chuck and Lucifer were having some sort of father son moment, which was plain _weird._ Dean was about to interrupt them when Chuck suddenly got a strange look on his face – a mix of pity and compassion. He turned to Dean and raised his hand. “ Go to your brother. He needs you.” Suddenly everything went black and when he Dean blinked he was standing in Sam’s bathroom. First thing he noticed was the steam. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Sam standing under the spray. His skin looked angry red and blistered and steam was rising from where water met skin. What shocked him most was that, Sam was smiling with his eyes closed under the hot water. Dean suddenly lunged forward, pushed Sam aside and turn off the shower. He hissed when the spray hit his wrist. He grabbed Sam by his wrist and pulled him out of the shower stall. He ignored Sam’s shocked expression and wrapped a towel around his waist and started to check on Sam. Sam’s skin looked blistered and angry red. Dean  was furious. He wanted to smack Sam upside down the head. HE was about to give his idiot baby brother a piece of his mind when a stray tear caught his eye. His anger gave way to panic. Sam’s tears were what Dean hated most in the world. When they were young Dean used to do crazy things for Sam, so that his little brother wouldn’t have to shed any tears.

“Sammy?” Dean asked in a soft voice.

“I am not crying” Sam hissed in an angry voice. Dean flinched at the tone. It was the tone of a hurt and cornered animal.

”Okay Sammy. I believe you. I know you were just trying to cook yourself  for dinner.” Dean tried to go for a light tone, while he tried to think of reasons for Sam’s tears, because Sam would never tell him. Dean pickes up the aloe vera hair cream from the cabinet and took a little of it on his fingers. Sam slapped his hands away as he tried to apply it.

“ I don’t need it Dean. I am fine.”Sam brushed him aside and tried to get up.

“Sam” Dan used his older brother voice. Sit still for a second and LET ME APPLY THE DAMN CREAM”

Dean saw Sam curl up into himself at the tone. HE had seen that look on Sam’s face before, when he was dealing with the hallucinations from- OH. Realization hit Dean like a ton of bricks. Lucifer. That fucking bastard.

“Sammy, This is about Lucifer isn’t it?”Dean began. ”Lucifer cannot hurt you here. Chuck will use his godly powers to keep the bastard in check. And don’t worry, I won’t let him come near you.” HE gentle massaged his little brother’s scalp.

Sam nodded slowly. “Ok. I have faith in you. Its just difficult to adjust when I know he is in the next room” HE mumbled. But he still didn’t look up at Dean. That made Dean’s baby brother in Distress alarm go off. Because, if Sam wasn’t looking up at him, then it meant there was more. May be he was worried about Cas?

“You don’t have to worry about Cas, Sammy. Chuck will bring him back.” He paused, looking for a reaction. He felt a small tremor.”Fair warning, i am going to punch him in the face for letting the devil out when we get him back.” He ruffled Sam’s hair.

Sam gave a weak smile, but still didn’t meet his eyes. So that wasn’t the main issue either. Maybe he was worried about devils presence triggering his Cage memories?

“Sammy? You know we are going to share a bed until all the extras are gone from the bunker, right? There is no way in hell, I will never let you be alone when the damn devil could just walk right in.” Dean told Sam. Sam gave him a grateful look, but the sorrow was still there.”Come on, Sammy. Go lie down on your bed, I can put the aloe cream on your back.”

“ I don’t have any cream, Dean. And I told you, it’s totally fine.” Sam sounded as if he had swallowed a grinder. That pain filled voice grated on Dean’s nerve. “Well, I have it, princess. Let me go and get it, ok?”

Dean rushed into his room. He couldn’t get the exact reason why his brother was so upset and crying. He wanted to make it better immediately. He picked up the cream from his secret box under his bed and got up. He was surprised to see Chuck standing there. “Well, Dean I am here you to clue you in about what might be upsetting your brother. Partly because, it might be kind of my fault. For one, I might have blamed for setting Lucifer free and all the mess here.”

Dean growled. He wanted to punch God in the face. “What the heck Chuck? The kid spent his entire life praying to you. He begged you for guidance and mercy and this is what you tell him?”

“Well, we can stand here and argue all day about free will, choices and why I don’t do divine intervention if you want to or we can talk about Sam.”Chuck said in a dry tone. ”your brother has lots of issues. For starters, he think of himself as a curse and a burden. Usually, people go to their spank bank when they are in shower. Your brother thinks about how awesome it would have been if he had died at birth.”

Dean blanched. He stared at Chuck.”He thinks of himself as a total failure. He wants ask me to kill him and erase your memories of him after we deal with Amara. He wants ask me to protect you from all harm while I kill him. He thinks the world would be a better place if he didn’t exist.”

Chuck gave him a look and vanished again. Dean felt his knees go weak and he knelt down on the ground. No wonder his baby brother senses were tingling. He took a deep breath and calmed himself.He needed to be calm, in order to help Sam.

Dean went into the room and saw Sam lying down on the bed in his towel. He gently sat down on the bed and started to apply the cream on to Sam’s back. Dean knew he was walking a landmine, and that he needed to be careful. He needed something to motivate Sam. Something big to teach him to love himself and to keep fighting. Suddenly, Dean remembered the amulet in his pocket. Dean had felt his heart clench painfully at the sight of his lost treasure yesterday. He was touched that sam had picked it up from the trash and kept it with him all these years. Dean had went to the damned motel and begged the manager to let him look through their trash after Sam had jumped into the pit. Maybe the amulet can fix this. Dean certainly hoped so.

“Sammy, When  I am done with your back, I want you to do something for me.”Dean said in a hopeful voice. “what?” Sam’s reply was muffled by his pillows.

“You will see... Sam. I am almost done here anyway” Dean was shaking with anticipation by the time he finished. Sam sat up and started to grab the cream from his hands. ”I can do everywhere else, Dean.”

“No can do, kiddo. I am the one who deals with kitchen here. You tried to cook yourself, that is mt area.” Dean replied in a snarky tone as he extended his hand out of reach.

Sam gave a small smile and asked “What do you want me to Dean?”

Dean took a deep breath and pulled out the amulet from his pocket. He extended it to Sam. He saw a myriad of emotions flicker on Sam’s face, pain, hurt, sorrow, shock and finally settle on to resignation. That wasn’t what Dean wanted. “Do you want me to put it away?” Sam asked him in a small hurt voice.

“No, Sammy. I want you to give it to me, willingly, with love. Because, Its god detection powers are not what makes is special, Sammy. what makes that amulet special is that you gave it to me... I want you to give it to me again because, even though i have chipped my tooth on it before, I missed it a lot.”

Sam was still staring at him. But there was a crack in his expression, a small flicker of hope.  “ You are my everything Sam. I will always coose you Sam. Over Amara, over all the gifts anyone can offer, I will always choose you. There is nothing in this world that can make me forget you. I don’t want anything or anyone else Sam.“He paced the amulet in Sam’s hand.

“But why, Dean? I am just me.” Sam asked as he held the amulet by the chord.

“That is exactly the reason Sammy. You are Sam and that is all the reason I need. You are a good man, Sam. You are kind, understanding and all the girly crap, along with being a freaking badass. I mean, how many people do you know who can kill three werewolves while being mortally wounded? You overpowered the devil and locked him in the cage. Who cares what Chuck says anyway?” Dean asked Sam with a grin.”I can go Taylor Swift for you Sammy. _You are the best thing that’s ever been mine._.” Dean sang in a high pitched tone.

Sam just stared at Dean for a few seconds. Then he jumped into Dean’s arms and hugged him tight and felt like home for Dean.. Dean could feel Sam sobbing his heart out into his shirt. Dean wrapped his baby brother in his arms and smiled – Big brother mission accomplished. “Let it out, Sammy. I got you.”

After some time Sam gently pried himself from Dean’s arms. He lifted the necklace over Dean’s neck and it put it back where it belonged.

“You know Dean, You are the most awesome big brother in the world.”Sam began in a teary voice.” But you are a lot more than that. You are awesome. You are the most strongest person in the universe , Dean. Only reason I was able to overpower the devil was you, Dean. I know that you are going to kick Amara’s ass because you are my hero.” Sam looked down and gave a shy smile.”You are the best thing that’s ever been mine too”

Dean was overwhelmed by the sheer love in Sam’s eyes. He pulled his brother into a fierce kiss. Their last kiss was a long time ago, before the demon blood , the demon bitch and the apocalypses.  Dean felt Sam’s sharp intake of breath and felt him slowly melt into the kiss. For the first time in a very long time, dean felt hope bloom in his chest. Maybe he and Sam will get a happily ever after in the end.

 “Damn, Sammy, You have no idea how much I missed this.”Dean whispered in a reverent tone. “ ME too, Dean. Me too.” Sam whispered back. Dean rubbed the  aloe cream all over Sam slowly, reconnecting with Sam. Each touch was sweet and gentle. Dean never stopped talking the entire time. He told Sam exactly how much he meant to Dean and then proceeded to show him just that. Words on to Deans chest with his fingers .Sam wrote the words loyal, brave, kind, selfless, hero, genius and noble on dean’s sweaty chest over and over until Dean got the message how Sam saw him .

“ I am going to get an ego complex if you keep doing that Sammy.” Dean pinched sam’s butt slightly. Sam yelped and tracedJerk on to Dean’s chest and punched him lightly in the ribs. Dean laughed and kissed Sam on the forhead.”go to sleep, Bitch.” He whispered in Sam’s ear.

 

Sam fell asleep to Dean softly humming Hey Jude. Dean fell asleep to Sam tracing my hero on sweaty chest. Even with the Devil in next room and threat of Amara looming over them, it was the best sleep both of them had gotten in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Give me all your opinions... And sorry for all the grammatical errors


End file.
